


I've Got Your Number

by lirin



Category: Oxford Time Travel Universe - Connie Willis
Genre: Gen, POV Alternating, Phone Calls & Telephones, Pranks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-25
Updated: 2019-12-25
Packaged: 2021-02-25 21:26:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,077
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21952174
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lirin/pseuds/lirin
Summary: Dunworthy doesn't want to burden Colin with his worries, but he can't help but complain about Lady Schrapnell just a bit. And when Colin hears it, he has the perfect idea for how to make everything better.
Relationships: James Dunworthy & Colin Templer
Comments: 5
Kudos: 22
Collections: Yuletide 2019





	I've Got Your Number

**Author's Note:**

  * For [shotboxer](https://archiveofourown.org/users/shotboxer/gifts).



> With many thanks to my beta!

Dunworthy pushed the door of the inner office ajar and peeked out. He hadn't heard any sign of Lady Schrapnell, so it ought to be safe, but once in a while she took a break from being an all-engulfing whirlwind to creep up on people instead. But the outer office showed no sign of intruders, and he continued on.

"Ah, Mr. Dunworthy," Finch said. "Lady Schrapnell called—"

"Whatever it is can wait until our meeting tomorrow," Dunworthy said. "I'm having dinner with Colin. It's just as important for him to be looked after as it is for Lady Schrapnell to obtain a replica of her golden candlesticks or whatever it is she's after now."

"And what shall I tell her when she calls again?"

"Tell her it's an urgent meeting. It truly is urgent; I'm hungry. And please, whatever you do, _don't_ tell her where I am."

Finch sighed. "Don't blame me if she manages to track you down anyway. You know how she is."

"If I can just get an uninterrupted hour for dinner, that will be enough," Dunworthy said. With Lady Schrapnell being Lady Schrapnell, it would have to be enough. At the very least, he still had some reports to look over this evening before their meeting tomorrow.

Colin was waiting outside the Underground station, jumping up and down and waving. "Mr. Dunworthy! Over here!" Dunworthy smiled. It was nice to visit someone who was actually happy to see him, instead of just annoyed that he hadn't magically been there earlier, the way Lady Schrapnell always seemed to be. He hailed a taxi and they rode together to a chophouse that Dunworthy dearly hoped Lady Schrapnell had never heard of, while Colin chattered away about somebody in his algebra class who had got in an argument with someone else and then the argument had continued in their history class except by then half the class was involved and apparently the whole thing had been quite necrotic although Dunworthy wasn't quite sure why (or even exactly what had happened).

Colin's story continued into the restaurant and up until the moment that the waiter set their food down in front of them, at which point silence descended while Colin inhaled a bowl of soup, a baked potato, and his entire steak, and then started asking Dunworthy if he was going to finish his food.

Dunworthy intended very much to finish his own food; his lunch had been limited to a cereal bar in his office because he hadn't wanted to go out and risk running into Lady Schrapnell, and he was quite hungry enough to eat a full serving of steak all by himself. "How is your schoolwork?" he asked. If he got Colin to start talking, perhaps it would distract him from the food. "You mentioned your algebra class; how do you like algebra?"

"It's fine," Colin said. "How's your work? You look tired; has anything happened with your historians?"

"It's not the historians, it's Lady Schrapnell," Dunworthy said with a sigh. "She's hijacked the entire program. She makes one donation—one very, very big donation—and now she thinks we all work for her. She's constantly pulling my historians away from their own projects and duties to go look for random pieces of Coventry Cathedral. And when she's not doing that, she wants updates, and reports, and meetings. I've had a meeting with her every day this week." He was completely aware of what Colin was up to; he'd noticed the sudden reappearance of steak on Colin's plate and the reduction in quantity of steak on his own plate, even though Colin probably thought he was being sneaky. But it felt good to complain about Lady Schrapnell to the one person he'd dealt with in days who hadn't had an equal number of complaints about Lady Schrapnell themselves. Though it wasn't right to burden Colin with his worries, and besides, this evening was supposed to be a short vacation from Lady Schrapnell. (Though what he truly needed was a month's vacation from her. Better yet, a year's.) "Do you still have room for ice cream?" he asked Colin. "Or we could have pie, if you'd rather."

"Pie with ice cream on top?" Colin suggested, unsurprisingly. "When's your meeting with Lady Schrapnell tomorrow?"

"Noon," Dunworthy said, cutting up the last remaining bit of steak on his plate. "Oh, no, you don't," he said, knocking Colin's fork away, "I deserve at least a little of my own steak. You'll just have to wait for dessert."

They really ought to do this more often. Dinners with Colin were so much better than meetings with Lady Schrapnell.

***

Colin had the _best_ idea. This was even better than the time the teacher's lesson plans had not-exactly-accidentally ended up with glue on them so they had had to just watch vids for the whole class period. It was even better than— Well, actually, it wasn't as good as the time he'd arranged everything for Mr. Dunworthy to go back to rescue Kivrin and then he'd gone along himself to look after Mr. Dunworthy, so maybe it was only the _second_ best idea. But it was still a completely apocalyptic idea.

Mr. Dunworthy had sounded really tired of dealing with this Lady Schrapnell. So Colin was just going to make sure that he didn't have to have so many meetings with her. Her number was even in the phone directory. The only hard part was getting out of class at the right time to make the phone call, but Jonah from algebra class was still mad at Stephen and was perfectly happy to start their argument back up in the most commotion-causing way possible in exchange for a packet of Maltesers that Mr. Dunworthy had bought Colin when he'd informed him that he was still hungry after dessert. (Colin had rather been hoping for a second piece of pie, but obviously the Maltesers had been more useful in the long run.)

H-hour came. Jonah knocked a desk over, Stephen started yelling, paper balls were flying every which way, and Colin slipped out the door and down the hall to the custodian's office where the closest phone was. He kept the phone's screen folded down; if they asked, he'd just say it was broken or something. He coughed a couple times, trying to summon up a growly sort of voice, and dialed. 

The call was answered almost immediately. "Yes?"

"Er...hello?" Colin coughed again, hoping his voice wouldn't crack. "Is this Lady Schrapnell?"

"Who is this?"

"This is Professor Albert Simehhhhh"—he stepped back from the phone and mumbled this last bit; if he gave an exact name it would be easier for her to make inquiries and find out he didn't exist—"at Nuffield. My secretary rang up yesterday to schedule a meeting with you about your candlesticks, and I was wondering why you aren't here yet. It's _very important_."

"What—" 

"Please hurry, I can't wait very much longer," Colin said, and hung up. It was almost noon. It would take her a bit to walk over to Nuffield, and then a bit more to find out the Professor Albert Whatever-his-name-was didn't exist, and by then she'd have missed her meeting with Mr. Dunworthy. Mission accomplished.

The classroom was impressively full of chaos when he returned. Several desks had joined Jonah's in what appeared to be a fort of some sort. The teacher was in the far corner of the room on the phone. Colin ducked down and crawled over to his own desk, crossing his fingers that the teacher hadn't noticed his absence. He pictured how happy Mr. Dunworthy would be when he found out his meeting was cancelled.

***

"Lady Schrapnell called," Finch said. "She had something else come up suddenly, so she'll need to postpone your meeting slightly. She wasn't sure how long, but she'd like you to wait."

Dunworthy glared at the clock. He'd planned to have lunch after the meeting, but if he had to wait very long—and then if she stormed about candlesticks and the sanctity of Coventry for as long as she usually did—he would end up with no time to eat before his afternoon tutorial.

Finch went back out to the outer office, and Dunworthy sat at his desk and tapped his foot and caught up on paperwork until 12:05, when he couldn't take it any longer. He jumped up from his chair and hurried out. "If Lady Schrapnell shows up, tell her she can just wait until I'm done with lunch," Dunworthy said. "I'm going to go have a nice leisurely lunch where I'm not at anyone's beck and call."

"I think that sounds like a very enjoyable activity," Finch said, and there was a note of jealousy in his voice. "Shall I say you're gone for the afternoon, if she rings?"

The thought was tempting. Very tempting, but she'd probably just come track him down at lunch or wherever else he found to hide. "I'll be back in an hour," Dunworthy said. "If she phones back, tell her that."

***

"Oh, hi, Finch!" Colin said. He was using the phone in the hall of his house at Eton, which he had every right to use, no distractions required. So he could concentrate his energies on distracting Finch instead. "Oh, no reason, I just thought I'd say hi. Do you know if Mr. Dunworthy is very busy today? He said he had lots of meetings with this Schrapnell lady—two more? Wow, that's a lot. Do you know when they are? Thanks, that's good to know. No, you don't need to tell Mr. Dunworthy I called, I'll just call him again later and see if he's in then."

Apparently the meeting from yesterday had just ended up being rescheduled for today. That wasn't so great. But at least today's meetings were both in between classes. Jonah had got in enough trouble yesterday that he probably wouldn't be up for causing any more distractions any time soon. Colin would have to come up with a new plan tomorrow, but at least today was taken care of.

Five minutes before Mr. Dunworthy's first meeting at 10:00, Colin phoned Lady Schrapnell with the vid screen flipped down as usual. This time he tried for a squeaky voice. _Obviously_ a completely different person from the deep-voiced man who had called her up yesterday. "I'm calling from the Ashmolean," he said. "We just had a donation of some artifacts that we thought might be suitable for your cathedral project, and we'd like for you to look at them right away. Now. Our donation coordinator is going on maternity leave and she'll be leaving in an hour, so you have to come over _right now_." He hung up before she could respond, and ran for it; the teacher of his 10:00 class wasn't known for being understanding if students arrived late. Even if they had been doing something very important, like lending a helping hand to a professor at Oxford University.

Mr. Dunworthy's second meeting was late in the afternoon, after Colin was already done with classes. He hoped it hadn't been moved due to whatever happened with the first meeting, but it would have looked too suspicious for him to phone Finch a second time to find out. He'd just have to trust to luck. 

He went back to deepening his voice this time, and coughed a lot so it would be hard to catch what he was saying. "...in London, writing for the _Times_." (Cough, cough, ignoring her stentorian "Who is this???") "...intend to print the story in tomorrow morning's paper, so if you would like to make a" (cough, cough) "rebuttal, we'll need you to come in tonight to talk to us. Otherwise, we'll assume that the accusations are entirely accurate..." (Cough, cough, cough, hang up.)

He hoped Mr. Dunworthy was having a nice, Lady Schrapnell-less day. From the little he'd heard of her on the phone, she didn't sound like someone he'd want to have to spend much time around.

***

Lady Schrapnell was just full of excuses and postponements these days. Dunworthy sighed. She'd been late for their meeting this morning, and in a bad mood too. Something about someone reneging on a donation; he hadn't asked any questions. And this afternoon, after he and Finch had both stayed late in the office just to wait for her, she rang up and cancelled without even an apology. On the bright side, it meant no more Lady Schrapnell today; on the other hand, it probably meant he'd have to deal with her even more tomorrow. "I suppose that means I might as well head home for the evening," Dunworthy told Finch. "There's nothing else here to deal with, I don't think. No other phone calls, other than Lady Schrapnell's?"

"Not this afternoon," Finch said. "Colin Templer called this morning. He said he'd call back later and see if you were in, but he never did end up calling back."

Dunworthy wasn't sure why he suddenly felt suspicious, but he did all the same. "Colin called?" he asked mildly. "What did he say?"

"He just asked whether you were busy today, and whether you had meetings with Lady Schrapnell."

"Did you tell him when they were?"

"Well, yes—" Finch's eyes now held suspicion matching Dunworthy's own. "Do you think..."

"It does seem to be the most obvious conclusion," Dunworthy said with a sigh. "I'll have to go talk to him."

***

It was day three of Operation Save Mr. Dunworthy From Lady Schrapnell, and Colin was ready to get started. He sat in his first class and acted like he was taking notes, but really he was jotting down his plan for the day. Sneak into the chemistry lab to call Finch in between class periods, have a couple more excuses ready for why Lady Schrapnell really really needed to be anywhere except Balliol, and then he'd have to play the last part by ear, because it depended what time he needed to make the phone calls, whether he'd need to sneak out of class or whether he could fit them in between. He contemplated excuses. Maybe he ought to ask Lady Schrapnell if her refrigerator was running; he'd read about that in a book once.

"Mr. Templer." The headmaster's secretary poked her head in the classroom door, and Colin yelped. "You have a visitor."

Colin followed her, hoping it was a good sort of "hooray, you get to skip classes today" visit and not a bad sort of "Lady Schrapnell got the police to track your call" visit.

It was Mr. Dunworthy, who was of course much nicer than the police, but he looked stern enough that Colin didn't think he was just there to help Colin skip classes. He followed Mr. Dunworthy to the visitor's parlor and they both sat down and looked at each other. Colin decided that he might as well start the conversation since Mr. Dunworthy wasn't saying anything. "Thanks for visiting," he said brightly.

Mr. Dunworthy raised an eyebrow. "Have you made any phone calls lately?"

"Sure, I phoned your office yesterday, but you weren't there yet. I was going to call you later, but then I had a lot of schoolwork assigned, so I decided to wait until today. I was going to call you this afternoon." He looked up at Mr. Dunworthy, who looked extremely skeptical. "Just to say hello and ask how your day was, not anything important."

"And have you made any _other_ phone calls?"

How did he know, anyway? Had Lady Schrapnell told him? "Does Lady Schrapnell know?" Colin burst out.

"No, and I don't see any reason why she would need to," Mr. Dunworthy said. "But I imagine she'll figure it out if this goes on much longer, so this ends now. No more phone calls to Lady Schrapnell that all suspiciously happen right before she has a meeting with me, because unfortunately she'll be likely to suspect _me_ when she figures out there's a connection. Besides, half the time she just reschedules the meeting, so it's not worth the effort."

"But you're not unhappy with me?"

"I do appreciate the thought, though I don't think you went about it in the right way," Mr. Dunworthy said. "But there do have to be some sort of consequences. I have some papers that need filing. I think you'd better come visit me next weekend and spend a few hours filing papers for me, and then we'll go out to dinner afterwards."

That sounded like the mildest consequences ever. "Will there be ice cream?"

"Only if you don't steal any of my steak," Mr. Dunworthy said sternly, but Colin was pretty sure he was on the verge of smiling. There was a lot of that going around: Colin smiled broadly as he walked back to class. Mr. Dunworthy had said that half of the time Lady Schrapnell had rescheduled their meetings, so that meant that half the time she _hadn't_. Mission (half) accomplished!

***

As it was, Colin's stratagems had saved Dunworthy from one more meeting than even Colin knew about. Dunworthy had claimed urgent business out of town today, dropping everything to go speak to Colin and pawning his meeting with Lady Schrapnell off on Chiswick. He didn't hurry right back, either; it felt good to be somewhere where Lady Schrapnell wouldn't think to look for him. He might as well enjoy the peace and quiet for a bit longer before he returned.

And now he had a visit from Colin to look forward to this weekend. That ought to provide a nice break from replica altarpieces and whatever Lady Schrapnell would want next. He supposed Colin's scheme had succeeded in its aims after all; he definitely felt cheerier than he had when he'd seen Colin last.

He'd have to give Colin a few tips on subtlety and timing, though. Lady Schrapnell was too smart for something like this to work twice, and they'd been lucky she hadn't picked up on the fact that all of her mysterious errands had happened right before meetings with Dunworthy. Maybe if Dunworthy and Colin worked together, next time. They could even recruit Finch, if necessary.

He really shouldn't encourage Colin in such activities. And he wouldn't; it was just pleasant to contemplate. But maybe, if Lady Schrapnell kept getting worse...

Well, he'd keep the option in mind.


End file.
